Surgeries.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind and certainly not good for my continued attempts at losing weight and getting healthy.

I had my surgery on 3-19-13 and it went well, but was a bit more extensive than expected.  It should (hopefully) take care of my female issues, which (again, hopefully) will help lessen my need for comfort food for 15 days out of each month.  At any rate, I'm finally feeling human again and I'm ready to get back on track.

My 14 year old daughter also had knee surgery on the 26th, and it, too, was more extensive than expected.  She has a dead person's tendon in her knee, a fact which disturbs her greatly (I think she feared she might wake up a zombie).

So it's been very distracting to say the least.  How will I ever get back on track?  It seems one thing after another has just kept me from staying on course.  And the response to that is:  "No, it's been ME using the excuses around me to stay off course."  But then, I don't want to get into any negative self talk.  Instead, I need to look forward.

For now, the obstacles are overcome and I'm ready.  It might be that flush of springtime warmth and the thoughts of getting our garden ready, but I feel revived.

I use the Advocare products and I will be doing a cleanse starting on Monday.  Then I will get serious about taking my vitamins properly again.  I really think having the full flush of vitamins helps keep my body from craving things and taking me off my path.  So, that's part of my plan.

Not sure what else.  I'll be ready to start bike riding again on Monday as well, and if I'm doing okay with that, then by Wednesday, I'll add back in my bowflex workout.

Even though I can, and do, exercise, it's simply not enough.  I've got to control my eating.  Since I've fallen so far off the wagon, I think I will start by going back to basics.  Smaller portions.  That will be my goal for the week.  I also will plan out a healthy menu for the week, but if something comes up (late physical therapy, long court day, etc) I will eat smaller portions.

I'm excited about the thought of getting back into this.  I felt so good last year when I was losing the weight.  I want to feel that way again.

Strategy

So, clearly, I need some kind of strategy.

I'm doing better but still having a horrible time at night with the eating after dinner.  I'm also having  a hard time not going back for seconds ... or thirds ... at dinner.

I plan and execute very well during the day.  It's very easy to stay on target during the day because I'm so busy.  But once I'm done with work, I fall apart.  I have to keep it together so tightly at work, that when I get home, I just want to unwind and relax ... and for me, food IS relaxing.  It's the comfort thing, I guess.

Luckily, I've been so good during the day that my night time binges aren't hurting me too badly.  But just think of the weight loss I would be experiencing if I could control myself at night!  Rather than holding steady, I'd be dropping the weight.

Since I'm having such an issue with food, I've amped up my work outs.  My bike ride in the morning is still the same amount of time (about 60-70 minutes) but I've increased the tension and speed to try and work off some extra calories.  I'm also back into my weight lifting which will eventually build muscle which will eventually help burn calories.

But I have GOT to do something about my food issue.

It doesn't help that the hubby is wanting to help comfort me and buys me brownie mixes and chocolates.  And I admit, the last few weeks, I've needed those and don't really hate myself for indulging.  I'm about to go through a surgery to hopefully end my nasty, painful periods once and for all.  In the getting ready for the surgery, I've had to take hormones and have had periods induced, all of which make my body a total mess.  And chocolate really does make me feel better and give me the comfort to get through the pain.  So I understand, and indulge, in the treats he gets me.  The surgery is the 19th so hopefully after that I can get back on track and not have my hubby wanting to make me feel better with chocolates.

And, I also try to make "better" choices on the candy/sweet side, so even when I indulge, I try and do it as "right" as possible.  Okay, so there probably isn't such a thing, but I choose York Peppermint Patties over other types of candy.  It's dark chocolate and no fat, so when choosing "bad" things, it's not as "bad" as somethings I could choose.

Still, I need some kind of plan.  Something to focus on.  I'm really good when I can plan something out.  Part of the control freak in me, I suppose.  So, I'll do some google-ing and see if I can come up with some ideas for helping my problem area at the moment - the night time munchies.  And when I'm not so exhausted from work, maybe I'll even be able to implement them!  Any ideas you have would be appreciated.

I'll post what I find if anything happens to work for me!  I'll keep on trying!

ARGH!

I'm really having troubles here ... I did so well yesterday!  Up to dinner.

Actually, even dinner was good - I made a new shrimp recipe that was fantastic and only 145 calories for a serving.  And I made baked artichoke hearts, which were also wonderful!  BUT I decided to have a little wine, and once I did that, there went my willpower.  Next thing I knew I was eating bag after bag of snack size Doritos ...  I mean, REALLY??

And it's not just when I have wine that my willpower goes.  It's any given night of the week!  I'm great all the way up until after dinner TV.  Then I fall apart.

It's not so bad on the days when I plan for it and think it out.  Like some nights I'll have my ice water ready and that works.  But on other nights, my brain is so fried from working all day, taking care of kids, etc, that I don't plan.  It just happens.

Can I plan all the time?  I guess I need to figure out how to do that, because I'm falling apart here.

I guess I need to give myself a break.  I've joined my sister's weekly health charting thing, and it hasn't even been a week yet.  I'm still exercising.  I even lifted weights again yesterday, so I'm getting back into it again.  I can't expect results in a day.

I just somehow have to curb my eating at night.  It's going to take conscious effort and by the end of the day I'm barely conscious at all!

And I didn't gain any weight from my binge-fest last night, so that's good.

I'll just keep trying.  I'll try and plan for my nights.  Maybe have some 100 calorie snacks ready and remind myself to get some ice water before plopping down in front of the TV.  I need to be more aware of what I am doing and get some control over myself!

Today's another day.  I'll do better today.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

I apparently just do not have my head in the game.  I am constantly coming up with excuse after excuse to condone my eating.

This last weekend (which was wonderful!) was a time of excessive food and drink and, boy, I'm paying for it now.  I gained 3.6 pounds just over the weekend.  But I had an excuse for all the eating I did - it was my dad's 80th birthday party!  So we drove up to Virginia for a 3-day weekend and I ate the entire time!  I kept telling myself it was okay because we were celebrating.

And I actually feel pretty bad today as well.  It was a long trip up, the stress of planning and coordinating with siblings in different states to all make it come together for our dad, and then all the food and drink - I feel pretty awful.  My body is definitely telling me I messed up.

Somehow I have got to get myself back on track.  I may have found something to help with that - my sister and her girls (all grown up) have a friendly tracking system to help motivate each other.  The log the workouts and weight and inches, etc., and it helps keep them focused.  They are going to join me in the group and maybe that will help!  It will bring some accountability back, which, I remember from the early days of this journey, was a good thing.

So I need to stop making excuses and get back into my fight for my health.  It may help since I feel so terrible today.  Nothing like a little pain to remind me why I was trying to get healthy to begin with!  No more excuses!  I need to focus on this and stay on track.

In the beginning I  was doing something daily towards my health.  Now I can't seem to even write on my blog very often.  I need to change that because I believe the daily reminders and thoughts and actions were what kept me on track and kept the excuses away.  I'm going to try!

It's the Food That's Killing Me.

I'm doing great with the exercise.  I would like to add more in, but I feel good about what I'm doing - the bike for 70 minutes in the mornings, calisthenics every other morning after the bike ride, and lifting weights every other day (until I hurt my shoulder - am now having to wait a bit for it to heal).  But I'm not losing the weight.  In fact, I'm gaining.

I know it's the food.  I haven't been able to control myself lately.  I've been giving in to that easy road and eating whatever is fastest and easiest.  Even when I make healthy dinners, I can't stop my portion size or going back for seconds (and thirds and sometimes fourths).  I'm just having a really hard time getting myself back in the game and being serious about what I eat.  My mind is constantly saying, "Well, it's just one piece of nut bread ... it won't really matter."  Well, it does matter.  And it's adding up.

I've got to re-energize myself on this journey.  I hate it when I'm out of control, which is what I am right now.  And I'm a control freak so it's really bad for my mental health when I do this.

I'm just not sure how to make myself refocus.  I think I'll go back to using a lot of the apps I had used early on.  Maybe that will help.  And I really, really need to get back to tracking what I eat.  I do very well in the morning and early afternoon, and then once the kids get home, it all goes to hell.  I need to plan it all out so that when the unexpected happens, it doesn't have to mess with my meals.

I'm very frustrated.  I don't understand why I can't seem to get myself together.  Last year at this time I was determined and focused.  I just can't seem to get there right now.

I'm not giving up.  I will find a way.  I have no court this week, so that will help with the meal preparations and having a bit of time to try different things to get myself back on track.

I'm just so tired all the time.  I'll do some thinking and some research and if I come up with something that works for me, I'll report it here.  I'll try to do something every day to reaffirm my commitment to this.

Meditation for Weight Loss?

Okay, so losing weight requires lots of energy and movement and sweat.  Grueling exercise and more sweat.

Right?

Maybe not.  A lot of losing weight is in the mind.

So, the question then becomes, how do we use our minds to lose weight?  Because, believe me, I want to use every tool I can to fight my way through this journey.

As you remember from my Tools post, I've used some of the weight loss hypnosis type apps on my ipad.  I've kind of petered out on those (and I've become stuck at this weight ... any correlation??) but maybe it's time to dust them off and get them out again.

What got me thinking about this is that I've been having a hard time sleeping (averaging about 2.5 hours per night).  Lack of sleep often leads to weight gain (for whatever reason - that's a blog for another day) and I was thinking that maybe it's because of all the chaos in my life and it keeps me up thinking about it all.  So, I decided it would be good to try and center myself.  So I listened to a podcast of a chakra meditation this morning.  I rode my bike and then did the meditation.  And I feel wonderful.  I'm energized and focused in a way I have not been in a long time.

So, maybe I need to go back to listening to the weight loss hypnosis cd.  I was losing weight when I listened to it and now I'm struggling (while not listening to it).  Maybe there is nothing magic about that cd itself, but rather the mental discipline that comes from the act of meditating. I believe that just focusing on yourself for even a brief period of time can make you stronger.  It can help you focus on what you need to do (because we all KNOW what we are SUPPOSED to do - it's just finding the mental strength to DO IT that's hard).

For me, just this morning's chakra meditation made me feel more motivated and clear.  I feel elevated somehow.  And that's just after one session!

I'm going to keep this up and I will report back on any success.  I'm really hoping I can start getting some better sleep.

Maybe this "thinking outside the box" and bringing in the meditation is what it will take to get me going again.

Maybe meditation will be where my magic happens.  Who knows?  I will keep you posted!

Positive Self Talk

We all know how important it is to keep from going down the negative self talk road.  And how hard it is to NOT go down that road and berate ourselves, chastise ourselves, express our disappointment in ourselves.  But I think we sometimes forget how important it is to remind ourselves how GOOD we are being when we are good!

I feel amazing today and I think a big part of it is because I had a talk with myself last night (well, I always talk to myself, but this was a serious "get your crap together" talk).  I reminded myself how far I've come.  I reminded myself how I got through the hard times and kept on track.  And I reminded myself that I CAN DO THIS.

And you know what?  I believed myself.

I think we all need to find the time to give ourselves pep talks.  It makes a world of difference, yet we forget to tell ourselves how strong we are, to pat ourselves on the back.  Positive self talk can whip the butt of those negative thoughts and re-energize us for staying on track and getting it done.

So, what if you feel there isn't anything good talk say to ourselves?  Like those times when we totally fall off the wagon and binge?  Well, there is a silver lining in everything.  Good things go hand in hand sometimes with the bad.

For whatever reason, I feel good today, so I'm going to take it and run with it!  And I think I will take a moment each night to remind myself of what I accomplished and what I CAN accomplish.  We'll see if that helps me move past this point where I've become mired.

So, I leave you today with this: