Self-Negativity.

For some reason I am in a really self-negative zone right now.

My judge robes have come out and my scientific lab coat is gone (see 52 Weight Loss Missions for that reference!).  On our journeys we are supposed to observe our behaviors and fix our issues accordingly.  We are supposed to stop judging ourselves.

For the most part, I do pretty well with that.  But not right now.

I think I'm getting frustrated.  I'm doing a lot of work with no rewards.  And I'm having a hard time keeping myself on track. It is a constant struggle with no reward to show for it.

As a result, I'm full of those negative comments to myself.  I'm angry with myself.  I feel like I've been on this journey for almost nine months and I should be farther along!  After all, the bowflex commercials say 3x per week for 20 minutes and in six weeks, you'll look like this (well, for me, the female equivalent).  And for crying out loud, I've been doing 3x per week for 30 minutes for about 7 MONTHS.  And 'm still fat and gross!  (See??  There's that negative stuff coming out again!)


And, yes, I've lost over 20 lbs, which is GREAT, but I feel like I should be so much farther along.  And I think if I weren't over 40, I would be ...

This is so HARD!

I'm kind of ashamed.  Which is dumb.  Because I've come a long way and I should be proud, but I'm floundering and feel ashamed of my fatness.  And my lack of willpower.

I think part of what has brought this on is the inability to find really satisfying foods for my football Saturdays.  I am truly famous for my tailgating spreads, and the lower calorie stuff just isn't doing it.  It's not FANTASTIC like it used to be and because of that, I feel like I'm not providing my family with the decadent football days we used to have.  It's making me grumpy.



I feel like I'm losing weight - my clothes are looser, etc - but when I look in the mirror, I'm still the frumpy looking mom.  Where's the hot chick I see in my mind's eye from all the weight lifting I'm doing?  She's nowhere to be seen!

I am frustrated.  We have a lot more football season to get through and my football food is something near and dear to my heart.  So I don't want to give it up.

I did change something to try and help.  I used to take the weekends off and not ride the bike to give my body a chance to recover from the week.  This weekend I decided I needed to ride anyway.  I rode on Saturday morning and I did feel better about the food I ate, so I guess I'll do that throughout the season.  And I've got to work harder (somehow!?) during the week. Maybe fit in some more exercise of some kind.  I've been wanting to for months but haven't found the time for it.  It has to be scheduled, so something has to give and right now, I've got nothing left that can give.

I'm just sad and negative right now.  Not a good place to be. At least I don't feel like eating.  That's usually what I want when I'm depressed.  But I don't want to eat.  I'm actually not sure why, and I didn't even realize it until just now.  I'll have to think about that.

So, for now, I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time and try not to be too mean to myself.

Surely, this, too, shall pass.