Sh*t Happens.

From the wisdom of Forrest Gump ...  It happens...

This week has been a nightmare.  My computer crashed on the 21st.  I lost just about everything.  My hard drive is in Kentucky for data recovery as we speak.  I'm hoping they can get my data without breaking the bank ...

I now have a new computer, which is nice, but an expense I was not expecting.  Still, it's nice to be back on line again!!

The stress allowed my beast to show its ugly face this week.  I ate a lot, and I'm sure it was mostly a comfort thing.  I also drank a lot this week, which were needless calories.  Well, I won't say "needless" ... I did enjoy the drinks and they did help me relax.  Still, calories.

It was my birthday yesterday, so I ate lots of food and had birthday pie.  Chocolate silk pie.  OMG - it was wonderful.  We went to Bonefish Grill for my birthday dinner and I ate everything on my plate!  It was fabulous.  My stomach is paying for it all today.  I am so not used to all the stuff I've eaten this week and my stomach is reminding me of that fact today.  AND today is football, so there will be football food!

I'm making fondue for our football food today.  We'll have beef, chicken, pork, mushrooms, broccoli and LOTS of sauces.  I will also be making crustless quiche, gorp (chex, pretzels, m&m's, raisins, peanuts), and spinach dip.

We'll see what the damage is come Monday.  Today I'm at 190.4, which isn't awful considering the week (and the weakness) I experienced.

I took a new updated picture and put it on my progress page.  It was from last night after my birthday dinner.    I'm pretty happy about how I look - so much better than the first pictures on the page!  Still a long way to go!

I got lots of fun fitness things for my birthday that I am very excited about.  I got some kettle bells!  Now I just have to make sure I don't hurt myself (or the furniture) with them!  I also got a cool shirt that shows words when you sweat!  You can see them here!  They are fun!  Here is a picture of one of them:

Really fun!  And I got some new work out gloves (they are purple!!)  So I'm going to have fun using these and they will help motivate me to work out!  I'm excited!

So, here's hoping that next week is a lot better than last week!

Perseverance

I think the true key to this journey is perseverance.

It's all easy to stay on track when everything is going well.  It's not so easy when things are NOT going the way we want, when we are frustrated, when we are feeling broken.

That's when perseverance kicks in.

Samuel Johnson said:

"Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance."

I am still floundering, but I'm not giving up.  It was our 27th anniversary last weekend and we enjoyed lots of food and drinking.  I gained 3 lbs.

Now I've got to get back on track again.

I have to remember that this is for life.  This is for my health and for my kids.  Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

I think I've gotten a bit lazy.  It seems so hard to eat right, to cook right, to exercise right.  Although, I have continued to exercise, so that's a good thing.  But I've kind of gotten off track with the eating.  I need to organize my low calorie recipes so that they are easier to find.  We did just go shopping at Sam's Club yesterday and loaded up on chicken tenders and pork so now I have some good quality food to cook with.  It's when we don't have good food in the house that we end up eating out or ordering out, which is never a very good choice.  (Sometimes it's worth it, but doing it too much is destructive.)

So I will hang in there.

And persevere.

Self-Negativity.

For some reason I am in a really self-negative zone right now.

My judge robes have come out and my scientific lab coat is gone (see 52 Weight Loss Missions for that reference!).  On our journeys we are supposed to observe our behaviors and fix our issues accordingly.  We are supposed to stop judging ourselves.

For the most part, I do pretty well with that.  But not right now.

I think I'm getting frustrated.  I'm doing a lot of work with no rewards.  And I'm having a hard time keeping myself on track. It is a constant struggle with no reward to show for it.

As a result, I'm full of those negative comments to myself.  I'm angry with myself.  I feel like I've been on this journey for almost nine months and I should be farther along!  After all, the bowflex commercials say 3x per week for 20 minutes and in six weeks, you'll look like this (well, for me, the female equivalent).  And for crying out loud, I've been doing 3x per week for 30 minutes for about 7 MONTHS.  And 'm still fat and gross!  (See??  There's that negative stuff coming out again!)


And, yes, I've lost over 20 lbs, which is GREAT, but I feel like I should be so much farther along.  And I think if I weren't over 40, I would be ...

This is so HARD!

I'm kind of ashamed.  Which is dumb.  Because I've come a long way and I should be proud, but I'm floundering and feel ashamed of my fatness.  And my lack of willpower.

I think part of what has brought this on is the inability to find really satisfying foods for my football Saturdays.  I am truly famous for my tailgating spreads, and the lower calorie stuff just isn't doing it.  It's not FANTASTIC like it used to be and because of that, I feel like I'm not providing my family with the decadent football days we used to have.  It's making me grumpy.



I feel like I'm losing weight - my clothes are looser, etc - but when I look in the mirror, I'm still the frumpy looking mom.  Where's the hot chick I see in my mind's eye from all the weight lifting I'm doing?  She's nowhere to be seen!

I am frustrated.  We have a lot more football season to get through and my football food is something near and dear to my heart.  So I don't want to give it up.

I did change something to try and help.  I used to take the weekends off and not ride the bike to give my body a chance to recover from the week.  This weekend I decided I needed to ride anyway.  I rode on Saturday morning and I did feel better about the food I ate, so I guess I'll do that throughout the season.  And I've got to work harder (somehow!?) during the week. Maybe fit in some more exercise of some kind.  I've been wanting to for months but haven't found the time for it.  It has to be scheduled, so something has to give and right now, I've got nothing left that can give.

I'm just sad and negative right now.  Not a good place to be. At least I don't feel like eating.  That's usually what I want when I'm depressed.  But I don't want to eat.  I'm actually not sure why, and I didn't even realize it until just now.  I'll have to think about that.

So, for now, I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time and try not to be too mean to myself.

Surely, this, too, shall pass.

Willpower.

I don't have any.

I just spent the last five days eating everything in sight.  Granted, we had two birthdays and football Saturday to get through, not to mention Labor Day.  Still ... you'd think I'd have SOME willpower!

But no, where there is cake, there is no willpower.  Two birthday cakes.  Geez.  Luckily, our college daughter took hers back to her dorm with her, so I'm saved from that temptation.  Now we just have one left in the house.

And the football food.  I'm famous for it.  I tried to do some lower calorie or at least healthier choices, but I really didn't like the food that was healthier, and I still ate way too much!  Will try again next weekend.

At least this week there are no birthdays!  We had birthday dinners, birthday cakes - it was just an all around food jamboree.  Again, we equate celebrations with food in this family.  Not a very healthy way to be, but it is what it is!

It makes my beast come out in the worst way ...  

I'm back on track this week.  I managed to ride the bike yesterday even though it was a holiday, so that was good.  I did not get to lift weights, which is bad.  I'll try to do that today, but as I have court this afternoon, I'm not sure it will happen.  I will make the effort.

September is always rough.  Our anniversary is on the 14th and then my birthday is on the 28th.  More food will be had.  I already know I want to go to Bonefish Grill for my birthday dinner -- have my coupon for the birthday bang bang shrimp all printed out and ready to go!

All I can do is buckle down and work hard!  I have to find my willpower.  Not sure where it's hiding.  And until I find it, I need to keep the bad choices out of the house!  I'll be fine this week until Saturday - the next football food day!  I'll see what options I can come up for that one.

Oh.  And I need to stay away from that birthday cake!