ARGH!

I'm really having troubles here ... I did so well yesterday!  Up to dinner.

Actually, even dinner was good - I made a new shrimp recipe that was fantastic and only 145 calories for a serving.  And I made baked artichoke hearts, which were also wonderful!  BUT I decided to have a little wine, and once I did that, there went my willpower.  Next thing I knew I was eating bag after bag of snack size Doritos ...  I mean, REALLY??

And it's not just when I have wine that my willpower goes.  It's any given night of the week!  I'm great all the way up until after dinner TV.  Then I fall apart.

It's not so bad on the days when I plan for it and think it out.  Like some nights I'll have my ice water ready and that works.  But on other nights, my brain is so fried from working all day, taking care of kids, etc, that I don't plan.  It just happens.

Can I plan all the time?  I guess I need to figure out how to do that, because I'm falling apart here.

I guess I need to give myself a break.  I've joined my sister's weekly health charting thing, and it hasn't even been a week yet.  I'm still exercising.  I even lifted weights again yesterday, so I'm getting back into it again.  I can't expect results in a day.

I just somehow have to curb my eating at night.  It's going to take conscious effort and by the end of the day I'm barely conscious at all!

And I didn't gain any weight from my binge-fest last night, so that's good.

I'll just keep trying.  I'll try and plan for my nights.  Maybe have some 100 calorie snacks ready and remind myself to get some ice water before plopping down in front of the TV.  I need to be more aware of what I am doing and get some control over myself!

Today's another day.  I'll do better today.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

I apparently just do not have my head in the game.  I am constantly coming up with excuse after excuse to condone my eating.

This last weekend (which was wonderful!) was a time of excessive food and drink and, boy, I'm paying for it now.  I gained 3.6 pounds just over the weekend.  But I had an excuse for all the eating I did - it was my dad's 80th birthday party!  So we drove up to Virginia for a 3-day weekend and I ate the entire time!  I kept telling myself it was okay because we were celebrating.

And I actually feel pretty bad today as well.  It was a long trip up, the stress of planning and coordinating with siblings in different states to all make it come together for our dad, and then all the food and drink - I feel pretty awful.  My body is definitely telling me I messed up.

Somehow I have got to get myself back on track.  I may have found something to help with that - my sister and her girls (all grown up) have a friendly tracking system to help motivate each other.  The log the workouts and weight and inches, etc., and it helps keep them focused.  They are going to join me in the group and maybe that will help!  It will bring some accountability back, which, I remember from the early days of this journey, was a good thing.

So I need to stop making excuses and get back into my fight for my health.  It may help since I feel so terrible today.  Nothing like a little pain to remind me why I was trying to get healthy to begin with!  No more excuses!  I need to focus on this and stay on track.

In the beginning I  was doing something daily towards my health.  Now I can't seem to even write on my blog very often.  I need to change that because I believe the daily reminders and thoughts and actions were what kept me on track and kept the excuses away.  I'm going to try!

It's the Food That's Killing Me.

I'm doing great with the exercise.  I would like to add more in, but I feel good about what I'm doing - the bike for 70 minutes in the mornings, calisthenics every other morning after the bike ride, and lifting weights every other day (until I hurt my shoulder - am now having to wait a bit for it to heal).  But I'm not losing the weight.  In fact, I'm gaining.

I know it's the food.  I haven't been able to control myself lately.  I've been giving in to that easy road and eating whatever is fastest and easiest.  Even when I make healthy dinners, I can't stop my portion size or going back for seconds (and thirds and sometimes fourths).  I'm just having a really hard time getting myself back in the game and being serious about what I eat.  My mind is constantly saying, "Well, it's just one piece of nut bread ... it won't really matter."  Well, it does matter.  And it's adding up.

I've got to re-energize myself on this journey.  I hate it when I'm out of control, which is what I am right now.  And I'm a control freak so it's really bad for my mental health when I do this.

I'm just not sure how to make myself refocus.  I think I'll go back to using a lot of the apps I had used early on.  Maybe that will help.  And I really, really need to get back to tracking what I eat.  I do very well in the morning and early afternoon, and then once the kids get home, it all goes to hell.  I need to plan it all out so that when the unexpected happens, it doesn't have to mess with my meals.

I'm very frustrated.  I don't understand why I can't seem to get myself together.  Last year at this time I was determined and focused.  I just can't seem to get there right now.

I'm not giving up.  I will find a way.  I have no court this week, so that will help with the meal preparations and having a bit of time to try different things to get myself back on track.

I'm just so tired all the time.  I'll do some thinking and some research and if I come up with something that works for me, I'll report it here.  I'll try to do something every day to reaffirm my commitment to this.